Vegas Mama on a Quest for a Full House

IVF - Danger Zone

2005-08-03T23:28:00.000-07:00

WOW, hormones are some serious stuff. I am still on week two of the Lupron and am really starting to feel the craziness AF shoudl be here anyday so along with the hormones I have some serious PMS.

The hard part right now is the side effects. The migrains, moodiness, hot flashes, weight gain, depression, nervousness, ughhh I am crawling out of my skin. One second I am screaming, next crying, then happy, then just stone cold with no feelings. This rollercoaster is getting really hard to handle. I have dealt with severe depression for years and I do not like feeling this way again.

About three more weeks of this craziness, God I hope I can handle it.

I could really use my own emotional right now.

IVF - Onto week 2

2005-08-01T10:00:00.000-07:00

Well I made it through my first week of injections and am proud to say that last night I didn't even flinch or run away once.

Currently I have 4 bandaids on. I am slowly taking them off.

I have to send out HUGE HUGS & PROPS to my friend Lisa. Only a true friend would chat with you online to keep your mind off your dh sticking a needle in your butt. Thank you!! Thank you!! Thank you!!

This week is a big week, I am waiting for AF to arrive so I can begin the stimms and get this show on the road.

IVF - Day 3 of Lupron

2005-07-28T10:01:00.000-07:00

STILL OUCH!!!!

Getting better only took dh around 10 minutes to chase me around and hold me down.

Currently have three bandaids. Thinking about taking one off tonight.

Last night was day 3 of the Lupron injection. I chicken out on getting in the thigh, found another good spot on my belly. Tonight I don't think I will be able to get around it, it must go in the thigh.

I found out that a woman I know from an IVF board just got a +HPT!!! She has been trying for over 12 years, 4 IUI's and 2 failed IVF's. This time they used a donor and it did the trick. Knowing her story and am rethinking my decision and I may donate the embies that are not used after this or a IVF works. There are so many woman who need woman like me to help them by mommy's. Being a mom is the wonderful thing and I would love any woman who wants to experience that to be able to.

Funny, yet scary story - Corey locked Kevin in the garage last night while I was in the shower. I came out and he was banging on the door. Corey was sitting in front of the door, I am not sure if he didn't know how to unlock the deadbolt or he knew he was going to be in trouble. Poor Kevin he was so upset. I better get a hide-a-key now just in case. My child gets smarter and smarter every day.

IVF - Day 2 of Lupron

2005-07-27T10:22:00.000-07:00

OUCH!!!!

Only took dh 15 minutes to chase me around and hold me down.

Currently have two bandaids.

Last night was day 2 of the Lupron injection. This shot is given daily and and in a different area. I get to choose from my belly, thigh or upper buttock. The first 2 shots were done in my belly becasue it has the most fat, tonight I will need to move onto the thigh. It's going to hurt.

Looking at the calendar and noticing that August is next week. Whoa, I begin the hardcore hormones in 9 days or less. All depends on when the hag shows up.

My time is running out to determine if I am ready to put two embies and chance having twins OR if I should be practical and only put one embie and pray that it will implant. If God ever thought about sending me a sign, this is the time. Pass on the message if you happen to speak with him.

Vegas it looks like your stuck with me!

2005-06-15T09:26:00.000-07:00

Kevin’s company is about to sign a contract to supply and program all the AMX equipment in the condos going up on the strip. This is a HUGE deal for the company and for Kevin. Kevin is the only AMX programmer they have, so they will be sending him in for some more schooling and once everything gets put into place he will he managing that unit. I really want to live by my family but never would I ask Kevin to turn down an opportunity like this. Until the day I die I will be his #1 cheerleader even if it means I have to adjust what I want.

As a compromise we are going to start looking at bigger houses. This time we are going to buy brand new. Which is good because by the time it is built we can sell our house without the penalities. With the excitement of possibly getting pregnant with twins we are looking into getting a live in nanny. My girfriend has lots of family in Mexico who would jump at the chnace to come here and be a nanny. It would help so much with daycare. I don't want to even think what it woudl cost to have 3 in daycare. As everyone knows I am a planner and it is all I can think about right now. I would love to stay home and that will be my goal with this real estate venture. I just need to get my ass in gear and all of this is good for me. I need a good swift kick in the pants.

A moment of self pity or just a cold?

2005-06-13T07:50:00.000-07:00

I hate being jealous and feeling bad about myself, but I just can't help it. I know it wrong, I should feel this way, I should be happy for my friends good fortune. I guess that is easier said then done.

I was sick all weekend with a really bad chest cold/sore throat. To make things worse my little man was also sick, he loves to share. When Corey gets sick he gets MEAN. He screams, throw & hits, he really hates not feeling well. I had to cancel going to the waterpark and movies and he wasn't very happy about that. It makes me feel like I'm not being a good mother. Other kids just want to snuggle when they don't feel well, mine gets pissed becasue I am not making it go away.

Kevin was gone all weekend so I was one my own with my masherman. He gave back Sunday and gave me the good news that our really good freinds were expecting #2. There comment was, "Well we weren't going to have anymore but what the hell". I was able to suck it up and be happy. I know my time is coming.

This morning the ONE person who talks to me at work told me she was 14 weeks pregnant. Her and her husband (who also works here) are the sweetest people and I am really happy for them. She was spotting this weekend and she was so scared so she decided me what was going on. I am really excited for them.

I know my time is coming, just not fast enough for me right now. I guess I am just in one of those poor me moods right now, maybe I should just blame it on the cold medicine.

Drawing blood is never any fun.

2005-06-09T19:01:00.000-07:00

Especially if you are afraid of needles and have nonexistant veins. Nurses usually pass me off because they don't even want to try. The nurse joked with me about making her job hard, but its not the first or last time I will hear that. I drank a bottle of water just before to see if it would help. I think it did or the nurse was just awesome becasue she got the vein in one shot and was able to fill the 9 tubes without poking me again.

Now that my blood test was done, I was able to set my appointment for the HSG. It is next Wednesday @ 2pm and hopefully I can find a driver. The last time I had this test done it hurt like hell. They always forget to tell you how badly you cramp afterwards. I am prepared this time.

I talked to my boss about the time off I will need in the next few months and she had no problem with it. It was actually excited for me and wishes me good luck. She is going to let me give her days notices for the last minute appointments and I will be able to make up as much time as possible so I don't have to take vacation or personal days. Its was hard to plan when everything revolves around your cycle and when it may start.

Its weird because I feel like everything is going to smoothly. Something has to go wrong, it can't be this perfect. Kevin even scheduled is test for Thursday morning. That means we will be clear to try to get pg ourselves during ovulation. Wouldn't that be a hoot if it actually worked. You never know, I think that is how we got pregnant with Corey. We were getting ready for our last cycle of IUI covered by insurance, Kevin got hit way down there, one side swelled up and turned black, the doctor said it was just bruised, he felt better we did it and BAM here's Corey.

I doubt Kevin will let me kick him way down there but maybe its the pressure we need to get thing moving. LOL

IVF is On!

2005-06-07T21:52:00.000-07:00

After a day of dealing with painful cysts, af finally showed. I was somewhat thankful, because I headed straight to the Motrin bottle and was on my why to feeling painfree. I called the RE's office and left a message letting them know my cycle started. They should call me in the morning to let me know what time tomorrow or Thursday I should come down to have my first of many bloods draws. Tomorrow I will need to call Radiology and schedule my HSG before cycle day 10.

I should ovulate soon after the HSG and before Kevin's tests. During that time we plan onf doing it like rabbits, making every day count LOL Maybe all we need his the pressure of it coming down to one last chance. We are excited to be able to do IVF but would still love to get pregnant on our own. We were going over the paperwork and the total bill is $15,000. OMG!! Thank God I have the best insurance ever, never did I think a company would pay 100% of this. I am taking this as a sign that we are doing the right thing.

The first week of July we meet with the RE again to go over all test results and get the go ahead to start the injections at the end of July, first of August. Hopfully I will find out I'm pg in September.

I had my hesitations about having twins but when I was in the office and saw those two little twin girls, my heart meleted. I WANT THAT!! Kevin makes money comments about having two babies at once but I saw his face when he looked at those girls. It was amazing.

A Very Special Thank You to My Friends!

2005-06-06T20:16:00.000-07:00

When I posted about being lonely, never did I think I would get a response. I have a few friends visit my blog regularly but since I posted I have had 52 new vistors. WOW!! From all the people who read my blog I had so many wonderful emails that touched my heart.

I want to Thank You for your kind words and friendship.

All The Small Things

Sometimes in life we seem to slow our pace
And in our hearts we're left with an empty space
We only think of the loneliness and pain
Then someone says there’s no need to explain

They do not have to be your very best friend
But maybe you'll find, on them you may depend
Even if you don't say what you’re thinking inside
Just talking is better than trying to hide

I've found people that put a smile on my face
And let me tell you, they've filled that empty space
So to the people I am talking about
I want you to know the small things really do count

When I talk to you I feel everything's okay
To you I owe a debt I could never repay
So when you forget about the lives you touch
Think of me, for it is you I owe so much

I hate to think, without you, what my life would be
So when you have trouble know you may lean on me
And I guess all I'm really trying to say
Is thanks, for it's the small things that have made my day

Copyright © Lindsay ~ age 13

http://www.abundantfun.com/poems/poemn237.html

So this is what loneliness feel like.

2005-06-02T19:23:00.000-07:00

I have never felt so lonely and withdrawn from life. It drain any ounce of fun I have. When we lived in California I did't have very many friends but I had some, especially at work. There was never a day I felt like I had noone to talk to or go to lunch with. Since I have moved to Las Vegas 2 years ago I have made 1 friend (who has a very busy schedule) and have been kicked out of 1 playgroup twice for not being able to attend since I work fulltime.

The department I worked in when we first moved was not best place to be. They hated the fact I had a family and that I had been with the company so long. I guess I knew too much. They would always talk to me but they were also VERY mean. The stress ended me up in the hospital with Imflamable Bowel Disease and Colitis. I transfer to a less stressful department and was for sure this would make me happy. Everyone seemed so sweet and nice, but they all have their groups and don;t want any newcomers :o( Everyone in the office is BEST friends with someone or related to someone. I feel like such an outsider. They moved me to a window desk, everything happens behind me and I just sit, do my work and stare at the cars in the Coffee Bean drive thru. I have never worked at a job where I felt so left out. I say good morning when I walk in and get no answers, I say good night at the end of the day and still no response. It is so lonely. I either eat lunch at my desk or go shopping and that is killing my bank account. I have tried to get into conversations and I get pushed out with rude comments.

The sad part is I feel like I have what it takes to make friends. I still at my desk wanting to call someone but have no one to call. I have been part of a online Mommy board for almost three years and I know alot of them by what they post but in three years was unable to connect with at least one of them and become really good friends. I hear about everyone meeting, calling, emailing, im'ing and I get so jealous. I wish I knew why no one in real life or even online sees me as friend material.

I always tell Kevin its the city, I can't ake friends in this city but I think that is a half truth. Yes, a fulltime working married mom is rare here, most are SAHM, they like to keep nights and weekends for their husbands and friendships during the day. That is what I was told by my playgroup. I also need to deal with the fact that no matter what city I moved to I may never have friends again. I just don't know how.

I never thought being lonely would bother me so much, but it really does. I have noticed that I have been eating more and more. I used to never be hungry and know I am constently eating. I would give anything to have 1 friend that wants to talk to me on the phone and go out with me.

I want to feel like I have a life again. I want the loneliness to GO AWAY!!!

I am proud of my little boy.

2005-05-27T10:54:00.000-07:00

I am afraid i will jinx myself but I think he is potty trained. I am just so proud. He has only had one accident all week and only wears Pull Ups at night. On Thursday he woke up from his nap DRY, then went and watched Elmo for 15 minutes STILL DRY, she put him on the potty and he went right away. That tells us that he is holding it. He has been getting better at telling us he has to go other than that he waits until we ask him. Now we are at the point everywhere he goes he says he needs to go potty just to check out teh bathroom and try out his fold up Sponge Bob potty seat.

One of the parents at daycare asked me if I was sad that he is potty trained. My answer was NO, I am so proud of my little boy and I get so excited watching him BEAM WITH PRIDE when he goes potty in the toliet. Not to mention I can not resist my little boy in tiny little butt huggers I LOVE IT!!!

I am SO PROUD of my Corey and wanted to tell everyone HE'S POTTY TRAINED WOO HOO!!!

We made a decision, can you believe it?

2005-05-24T22:02:00.000-07:00

Yes you heard me right Kevin and I actually made a decision, Woo Hoo!!

The decision we have BOTH agreed on is that on June 6, 2005, when we have our appointment with the Nevada Fertility Clinic, we are going to insist for the path to IVF.

It was a scary and hard choice to make but for us its the best decision. Right now our insurance covers most of it and we can't guarantee that insurance will cover it in the future. Plus we went through 3 years of infertility treatment and cycle after cycle were heartbroken. I can't begin to tell you how much money we spend on the drugs and IUI cycles. We are now on month 13 ttc #2 and May was cycle #4 on Clomid with no results.

I have been marked "unexplained", these doctors have NO idea why I can not get pregnant. Kevin tests are so so in the lab but all the home tests we have taken have come back where his count is too low. At this moment I don't see the point of putting my body and mind through all of this, when I could have very high chances of getting pregnant with IVF. The thought of having multiples is scary but also makes me smile. I would love to have a full house.

Some people may not agree with our choice, but I know in my heart this is the right one for us. In my gut I know that IVF will give me my #2, #3 or shoot maybe even #4.

I need willpower......

2005-05-02T19:26:00.000-07:00

Seriously I need some major WILLPOWER!! I let my mind imagine for one minute that maybe I am pregnant again and that this baby will stick and that I will get to go see my mom this weekend and give her the BEST Mother's Day news.

My boobs are sore, maybe this is it
I am so tired I can't keep my eyes open, maybe this is it
Was that nasuea I just felt, I don;t know, maybe this is it
I feel different, maybe this is it

MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE!!!!!!!

I stopped at SavOn on my way home to get a Early Pregnancy Test and put it on my credit card so Kevin wouldn't know. The reason, currently I have 10 pg test strips and one regular pregnancy test at home, I can't believe I bought ANOTHER just becasue it says "Early".

I came home and took and it says negative. Now my head is spinning the other way.

I feel bloated, could af be coming
I am breaking out, could af be coming
I think I want chocolate, could af be coming

I one thing that can fit into both catagories is Taco Bell's Carmel Apple Emanpada's. I would have to use a calculator to tell you how many I have eaten in the past 2 weeks. LOL Tonight I talked Kevin into going to Taco Bell before his game and made him promise to bring me TWO home. I have some serious issues.

I know its selfish, but its unfair that women like me have to go through infertility issues. I pray that SOMEONE ANYONE gives me some answers before I implode.

It was a great Success!!

2005-05-01T12:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the Las Vegas March of Dimes Walkamerica 2005. Kevin, Corey & I had a wonderful time. The weather was beautiful, we couldn't of asked for a better day. I tried my best to get a team together for my work and I ended up getting 1 walker to join me. That is OK, becasue between the 2 of us we raised $573 and to that is a success. Not to mention this woman doesn't know me and we talked the entire walk and now she knows a little about me and me about her. That's a wonderful feeling.

Corey was GREAT during the walk, not one two year old tantrum. What a blessing. I had a hat made for him that says "Corey 12/31/02 Miracle Baby" and boy did it wear it with pride. People woudl come up to him and he would say "look at my hat" LOL show off. This is Corey and I waiting for the walk to sart under the Fremont Experience

Beverly my coworker who walked with us was surprised at how much insurance experience I have. She didn't even know what department I worked in. LOL She asked why I don't become a Steward, which is what she is. This isn't the first time someone has asked me it and my answer is always the same. Kevin and I don't want fancy high paying jobs that will take all of our time, we don't want expensive cars or a big house. All we want is to be parents. Our goal is never materialistic its always just to be a mommy & daddy. I like having a nonstressful job with certain hours, no pressure just a paycheck.

After the walk we stopped by sears and bought a new lawnmower since out puppy Snoopy chewed the wires on the other one. Corey feel alseep in the car and I put him in his bed, Kevin went to mow the lawn and I took a nap on the couch. I have been so tired lately, can't wait for my vacation I think my body really needs it.

Is it Vacation Time Yet?

2005-04-27T22:18:00.000-07:00

Though I am not looking forward to packing for the three of us for 7 whole days, I am looking forward to being with my mom in Kentucky. I have my MIL her in Vegas but I don't have any friends so I feel very lonely sometimes. That's probably why I try to keep myself super busy.

I won't lie, I do have some selfish reasons on why I can't wait for my vacation:

1) I DO NOT want to study for a whole week.

2) It the one time of year when I don't feel have to do everything for everyone. My mom LOVES to take care of Corey and ME!! Yes me, when I go to my moms I actually get taken care of. I know its selfish, but its only once a year.

This vacation is coming at the VERY right time. Work is becoming overwhelming, my march of Dimes walk is this Saturday, I need to finish the last 4 chapters so I can move on to the law book AND I have to pack. I am one busy woman BUT it helps me kep my mind off of things.

When the doctor told me I was having a miscarriage and explained the numbers to me he also said that in some women they become more fertile ater a miscarriage. My numbers were so low there was no way I was going to have a viable pregnancy so there was no reason why we couldn't try. It was my choice to try or not. I debated for awhile and then saw that postive OPK. I had to try. Now I sit and wait, what a wonderful Mother's Day gift it would be, but I try to to think to much. If not, its back to Clomid for one more month and then we meet with the RE in June.

I think all this work and school is catching up to me, I have never been so tired in my life. I finished 150 flash cards tonight and have another set to do tomorrow. I need to get these terms DOWN. Wish me luck.

All I can do is pray.

2005-04-04T22:24:00.000-07:00

I was bending over playing with Corey in the tub tonight and I felt a sharp pain in my lower back. It hurt to breathe in and out and I could barely stand let alone walk. Thinking I just pulled something I sat in the bath to relax and then the pain hit. The pain is in the left side of my tummy and lower back. Today is day 34, no af, still no postive hpt and I am afraid something is wrong. I called my doctor but haven't heard back, I am going to try and get in to see someone in the morning.

In my gut and in my heart I really feel like something is wrong.

All I can do is pray and have faith that God will take care of me.

The Weekend Is Over ALREADY?

2005-03-20T23:25:00.000-08:00

Where oh Where does the time go? Over the past week I have bought 5 semi coordinating outfits for Easter and to have family pictures done. My head has been spinning trying to make a decision. Well after running from store to tore on Saturday turning stuff, I finally made my choice and went with jeans and t-shirts. LOL I guess my pretty dress days are long gone. So so sad, but since I cut my hair short and had Corey I don't feel pretty enough to wear a dress.

I did make it out to a party store this weekend and bought 75% of the supplies I need for Kevin's surprise party. DAMN, party supplies are expensive. 30 is a big deal and I want to do what I can to make it special. Check out the online invites I did http://sendom.com/asp/v?e=1802835281&u=0

My stress factor hit 100% today. I think it finally hit that I start school tomorrow and for 5 weeks will not see my baby after work. I won't be there to make sure he eats all his dinner, takes a bath or kiss him goodnight and IT'S KILLING ME!! I am just trying to tell myself that its only 5 weeks and this is a good decision for our family. Kevin is really pushing me to follow through with this. I have been trying to read ahead and have been having trouble understanding all the information, it gets me so frustrated. He wants my goal to get where I can only work part time in real estate and be able to stay home if we have another baby.

I checked my horoscope today and it makes sense..............

Responsibility can weigh heavily on you now. But you should have the combination of energy and commitment to be successful in what you do. You need to take it slowly, not spread yourself too thin, and stay focused on the task in front of you. Your thoughts are dreamy, fantastic, and faraway right now. Your imagination and intuition is heightened, which benefits any creative or artistic work you may do. Giving and receiving appreciation, love, and happiness come into your life now. You are moved to express your affections more openly than usual.

It's scary to go back to school, especially since I am paying so much money for it that can go to other things. If Kevin believes in me, then maybe I should believe in myself? I just wish not so many things were happening during teh next 5 weeks. I have Easter (I won't have time to bake cupcakes for Corey's daycare), Wiggles concert (I will have to leave right after the concert to go to school), Kevin's Surprise party and then we are driving to CA for Kevin's Mimi's 90th birthday party. I am starting to think God is really testing me to see if this is really the path I want to take. If he is testing me, I pray that he gives me the strength and guidence.

A family of 3

2005-03-14T08:21:00.000-08:00

Can I live with the thought of only a family of 3? When we went to the infertility doctor when trying to get pregnant with Corey they did test of both of us I could not expalin why we weren't getting pg. We took a break and went to Maui, the first day in Maui Kevin and my nephew were horsing around and Kevin got head butted in the groin. I have never seen him in so much pain. He refused to go to the ER even when they turned black and doubled in size. He wanted to enjoy his trip. I would have sworn that my chance of getting pg after that was not going to happen. He saw the urologists when we got home and everything was fine and we got pregnant that month. I can't help to think that the trama kinda shook those babies up to get them moving.

Now that we are doing the Clomid and really trying for this to happen I decided to buy one of those male infertility tests. I gave it to Kevin to do last night.

This morning when I asked him what were the results he paused and said "I need to do it again". I asked him why and he said it says to do it twice. OK, but what were the results?

The results were negative, meaning his count is below 20M. I didn't want to hurt his ego so I was very positive and asked to please try and only drink 1 soda for the next few days and then we will do the test again.

This is very scary for me. If the problem was me, I would be in the infertility doctors office right away, but I know he won't. My chance of having another baby I think is slowing disappering.

She's Here.........

2005-03-04T10:01:00.000-08:00

After days of cramping AF offically came this morning and she's PISSED that I wanted her to stay away. I just want to crawl under my covers at home and cry from pain. Whomever said "when it rains, its pours" they are not kidding. I am a tough woman but sadness, cramps and tooth pain. Who am I kidding, no one is that tough.

This morning, I woke up to Corey crying for daddy down the hall. I opened my eyes and saw the room lit up by the sun. OMG, what time is it? 6:45am OH NO!! Mad dash to get ready and of course I got behind EVERY 90 year old driver on my way to work. I knew what happened and I was so upset, PMS sure didn't help this situation. My husband is sleepwalking again. He got up last night, turned off the alarm and the went and peed next to the toliet. At least he was in the right room. DAMN!!! I hope this doesn't last for a few days. He doesn't do it all the time like he did when he was a kid, but it sucks when he does. Looks like we will be double alarming it again and putting chairs in front of the doors to the outside just in case.

Corey was so good yesterday, only 2 timeouts for hitting and no kicking and screaming when putting him in the carseat. He was even good went I stooped at the store on the way home. I had a water bottle in the car and Corey wanted a drink, ok and I gave it to him. He insisted that he take the water bottle into the store along with Pee Wee (his doll). At the checkout he had his back to the cashier, I paid for my stuff and then Corey turns around and says "mommy water". The cashier got real snotty with me and said "did you steal that water?" I'm like NO I brought it in, check your cameras if you want. I was so embrassed.

I am so happy its friday, I am really looking forward to this weekend. It has been a long week.

I will try a new road.

2005-03-03T06:14:00.000-08:00

I registered last night to take the 5 week real estate class to get my license. I went to lunch with my girlfriend and we talked it all out and made a plan. It is a really good opportunity and you never know it may turn into something more than working a few hours here and there and that what I plan on starting at. This class is given by Century 21 and they hire you as an indepedent contractor after you completed the class and state exam. After I sell my first house they will reimburse me for the amount of the class. I look at it this way if I sell 4 houses I will be able to become debit free, meaning I could actually pay off my car. It will tae another 2 to pay off Kevin's LOL These men and their trucks. At this point I think I need to try something new and see if I like it. Starting the 21st those 5 weeks are going to be hard. I will only see Corey in the mornings and during my class I have to be in tip top shape (look wise) because they always have people coming in and interviewing you. Its good that they don't hang you out to dry. I m going to wake up early and eat breakfast with Corey to spnd our time together before work and daycare. Its good the class is only Mon-Thurs, I will make teh weekends count. I am getting excited about it.

This morning I woke up cramp pretty bad, looks like AF will be here anyday. I would be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed, but I am trying to look on the brightside. I am having so many problems with my teeth right now I would NEVER want to chance doing all this dental work and possibly hurting a unborn baby. When I go back to the dentist on Monday, I am going to ask him what we are going to do about the very ainful wisdom tooth that popped a point through. I may opt to wait a month of TCC to go teh oral surgon and have the two wisdom teeth that are left taken out.

I would hate myself if I get pregnant not has healthy as I could be, that would not be fair to my baby. I am starting to learn that what they say is right, you can not take care of your children (born or unborn) if you are not healthy yourself.

Which road should I turn on?

2005-03-01T20:35:00.000-08:00

I have worked hard to earn my Broker's license but really don't like working in the insurance industry anymore. I loved working on the commerical side with the big companies, but there isn't any of that here in Vegas. They only have small agencies and mainly personal lines. The broker's here have to really sell and I didn't get into this business to sell, I want to be the client representative, the one the client comes to with questions on their policies, not the one that wants to sell them more. This industry is getting hard and the company that I have been with for so long is being hit hard. We are once again days away from another 3,000 staff reduction. We knew something was going to happen after Spitzer settled. I received a course guide at work for an insurance school. I thought maybe I should register, take the classes and receive the designation. I am hoping these classes will make me like and understand more about the personal lines side of this business. Even if I take the classes, will this industry and company be stable enough?

Today my girlfriend talked to me about taking a class to get a real estate license. I have really been thinking about it, but don't have much time since it starts on the 21st. I could take the 5 week class, take the state exam and maybe get hired part time working on weekends to make some extra money and find a new career. The good thing about taking the class now is that I will take it with my friend and we would be able to study together and force wach other to follow through with this. I may not be a seller at heart but I think I could sell someone a house, if its the one they want. Its not like I selling something they are not looking for. I was a good seller when I worked at a florist, its was easy, they were there for flowers and I had them to sell.

I have a HARD time following through with these things. I have taken at least 15 college courses in the last ten years and have yet to finish one. Not to mention the $10k I shelled out to go to Bryman for dental assisting and ended up dropping out with 2 months left. I am surprised I actually received my broker's license, but it helped that I couldn't work for my company without it (CA law) and that I had a friend/coworker taking it with me.

I never thought this would be such a hard choice.

Which road should I take?
If I delayed the real estate option would be able to complete it on my own?
Should I just continue with the path I know and build on it? learn to love it?
If I do receive a real estate license would anyone hire someone who is preganant? or will I need to give up trying for awhile?
Should I really spend my money on this class? is it worth it? will I like it after I spent all this money?

It's funny, as much as I say being a mom is the career I want, you wouldn't think I would be stressing about a career outside of the home. Kevin and I both need to have jobs to pay our bills but I just want to find something I enjoy doing and still have my family time.

Which road will get me to happiness in work and family?

Back to the dentist for me.

2005-02-28T19:43:00.000-08:00

He finally agreed that something was wrong. He shaved part of the tooth hoping that would do the trick but nope I am still in really bad pain tonight. He said we are going to have to take the filling out and put in a silver one. He thinks my tooth is reacting to the composite filling. This is really stressing me out. You shouldn't have any dental work done when pg and especally in the 1st trimester. There are so many studies about amaglam having mercury and the birth defects it can cause.

I didn't say anything about maybe being pg because 1)I'm afaid to jinx it and 2)i'm embrassed about saying it and then it not happening. I know its not something to be embrassed about but it does to me. Its a horrible feeling.

I called my mom and cried about the whole thing. She wasn't very supportive finding out that we want to have another baby, but she tried. She told me I need to get it done and there are steps they can take, I can't live in pain like this. She thinks because it gets worse at night that the root is dying.

He wants me to come in tomorrow but I am going to grin and bear it until friday or monday. Then I will know for sure, take a personal day and do what I need to do.

I hate being so whiny. I'm just stressed about the am I/am I not pg, should I/should I not get it done, should I just live with the pain, my work is probably pissed because I have to keep leaving and the constant pain. I am just worn out and would like one day of no tooth pain. I would like to eat hot and cold food again and not this room temp shit.

I want my oldself BACK! PRONTO!

What a wonderful feeling.

2005-02-27T09:52:00.000-08:00

I stood in my greatroom today and realized that its done. We have lived in the house over a year and a half and for months and months we have been redecorating. You know trying to make it fit US. Also we wanted it to look like grownups live here and not 20 somethings. LOL

I can't beleive its done. I still would love to add some black molding to the really high windows but its not a big deal. I am really happy with how it turned out. It really is a wonderful feeling.

Here are some before and after pictures......
http://share.shutterfly.com/osi.jsp?i=EeAsXDlm0ctGLy

I must be having one of those days.

2005-02-26T21:00:00.000-08:00

Today I have been a MEGA bitch. It didn't start out that way but it just kept getting worse throughout the day. My tooth pain has tripled and its pretty much unbearable right now. I saw my dentist on Friday morning (I demanded he see me)and he said "I told you there would be sensitivity, we just need to watch if the pain gets worse because it may mean your tooth is dying". Does it not get that I wouldn't be there if it wasn't getting worse. I had some pain "ON THE OTHER SIDE" before I had all these filings done, but nothing like this. Every 4 hours I have been having to take Tylenol to function and control the pain. I am so scared that if I am pregnant what is going to happen. I don't know what to do. I called every dentist in the phonebook that said they were open on weekends and NO ONE could get me in and they are all closed on Mondays. So Monday I will call and try to get in somewhere that is open after 5pm. Kevin does not want me to go back to that dentist, he said I should not be in this much pain.

Ok back to my day. Kevin had to work so there was no sleeping in for me, pain or no pain. I drug myself out of bed and Corey and I made breakfast together, which made me so painless for awhile. I squeezed my butt into one of his chairs and we ate at his table. He loved it. We were interrupted by the bug guy who always insists on coming so early. I let him in and then out to the backyard, which means I had to let both puppies in. What a job. The bug guy is so sweet and when he was done helped me bring the dogs back out. Its funny how you don't realize until after they are gone that you just opened the do and let someone in when you just rolled out of bed and are in your pjs. LOL it never even dawned on me. Corey and I went back to our breakfast and thank god we were finished because Corey peed all over himself the chair and the floor. Potty training is not as easy as it looks. We took a shower and its funny because Corey kept scrubbing my belly and finally he said "mommy it won't come off". I about died laughing, he was talking about my c-section scar. My child is like the Howard Stern on toddlers, I can't wait to hear what he says next. (If you didn't know Kevin & I are HUGE Howie fans".

Kevin got his jobs done early and was home by lunch, he said he rushed because I looked like I was in pain this morning. Sometimes he really does understand. From then I was able to just lounge, I didn't move from the recliner for the rest of the day. Maybe it was because I sat all day, everything was bothering me. Every noise, every scream, every whine just made me cringe and lash out. My skin has completely broken out, worse than ever before and that is really bugging me. I just don't know what my problem is. I really hate feeling this way. I pray with all my heart I will be back to my old self tomorrow.

To Test Or Not To Test.............

2005-02-24T10:14:00.000-08:00

THAT IS THE QUESTION!!!

Should I do it now?
How soon can I test?
Should I wait until I am officially late?
Should I go out and buy a pack of tests?
Should I be safe and just wait until the tests I ordered online arrive?

TOO MANY QUESTIONS!!!!!!

I HAVE NO PATIENCE :o)

Its Hump Day!! Woo Hoo!!!

2005-02-23T17:59:00.000-08:00

Is the work week over yet? I woke up so exhausted this morning, it almost felt has if I didn't sleep a wink last night. I can't remeber my soap opera coming on at 11pm last night so I know I nodded off before that. Today getting dressed I found yet another pair of pants that are too tight. I was drowning in follow-ups this morning at work but knew I needed to jam because I wanted to exceed my quote like I did yesterday. I loved seeing that email go out to everyone with my name next to #1. Woo Hoo!! For the last few days I heard our team leader talking about a endorsement she was trying to fix because one of us made a mistake. For days I am been praying that it wasn't me. I was so bummed when she called me to her desk today. They keep tell me that with thhis job you have to learn as you go and have to make mistakes in order to learn but it still sucks. Can you imagine getting a $900 return premium when it shoudl have been $40. Thank God that client was honest and questioned it. At least it was fixable. They have been having problems with the air in our building and I have been ROASTING. If they do not get it fixed I am going to strip down to my unmentionables and it won't be a pretty sight.

I am starting to get really excited that maybe this is my month to get pregnant. Its probably in my head but I really feel like this is it. I am pretty much jumping out of my skin trying to wait until next week. I JUST WANT TO KNOW NOW!!! I just want to tell the world my secret but I can't in case its not.I haven't wanted or needed to snack in so long and now it seems that I am constantly eating. No wonder my pants don't fit. My face is broken out and I'm bloated which isn't a good sign but it could be. Right?

I have eight more days of questions, so I better limited myself. It's Hump Day!! and I am going to enjoy it.

Mommy's Day Off (kinda)

2005-02-21T21:17:00.000-08:00

I get two days off a year where I don't feel guilty about lounging around. Martin Luther Kings Birthday is the first one and I caved and picked Corey up from daycare at noon. Today is President's Day, I have the day off and Kevin has to work and Corey's daycare is open. My plan was to sleep in, make two no sew blankets and actually do some scrapbooking. I did sleep in to 10:00am this morning, put on a hat and went to Jack N Box for a breakfast sandwich, came home and started cleaning. I cleaned all day and only got 3 rooms done. Ughhh. I feel better because I finally got all my pictures put back and into my new hutch from when we had the carpet put in. I guess my day wasn't a total bust.

Kevin was very sweet to me today. He got off early from work went to the grocery store and brought me home flowers. He was so happy with the cleaning I did. My goal is to get things in order so the cleaning lady can come in and take over by the end of this week.

I feel like the luckiest lady today. 1)Kevin put up my shelves with me only asking once and with no complaining. 2) Corey only had two timeouts today. Woo Hoo!! This was a good day :o)

Its funny because lately I have been all smiles. I can't remember that last time I wanted to smile. This two week wait is going to kill me but I can't help but think this is my month. It started the other day when The March of Dimes called me and addressed me as ambassador Shawna. LOL Ever since I started getting pg in 1999 I was part of the MOD. I lead the fundraiser for my work the April before I found out I was pregnant with Corey and then became an ambassador for their website the Spring after Corey was born. I would do speeches about the March of Dimes and the information they provide to pregnant woman who are dealing with not so normal pregnancies. I have a fever of public speaking but it was easy when I was holding Corey and speaking about him and my pregnancy with him. I took a break when we moved to Las Vegas because I wasn't adjusting well to this city and how unkidfriendly it is. This year when they called I didn't even think twice and said "Yes I will be there". It felt so good to be part of this organization again. I know so many premature babies who fought the odds that have grown into strong brave toddlers and many women who needed the March of Dimes like me to get to week 30, 31, 32 and so on how could I turn away.

Its funny the March of Dimes helps "Save Babies" but it also helps me get through infertility. There are people out there who need my help and that is what I should really focus on.

One Wild Crazy Strange Weekend

2005-02-20T19:40:00.000-08:00

Thursday night and all day Friday I felt a pain my side. After dinner on Friday I decided to talk an ovulation test and sure enough both lines on that test shined a bright blue. HOT DAMN ITS TIME!! Not only did be baby dance on Thursday but Friday too!!

Saturday morning I had to wake up early and be at the dentist. YUCK no way to spend a Saturday. I came home two hours and 7 fillings later. I pretty much looked like I got into a fight and the other person won. I pretty much slept all day and took as many Motrin as I could to help with the pain. By dinner time the numbness had gone but my jaw was still swollen shut. That night eventhough I liked like shit, Kevin came over and said "don't we have a baby to make?" What a glorious sound to my ears.

Now we wait and see if all this bay dancing is gonna work this month. I would love it if I don't even have to fill the rx for Clomid, then I would really know this was right. With Corey we did all the meds, treatments, shots ad insemiation but somehow got pregnant with no help. I was just our sign that it was right and am pretty sure all that stuff helped.

Clomid is a GO!!

2005-02-17T12:21:00.000-08:00

After a lengthy talk with Kevin we aggreed that we will fill the Clomid rx and start on my next cycle. I am so excited.

Its seems that Kevin was scared that I woud want to do everything we did to get pregant with Corey and he doesn't want to go through that again. I totally agree with him, we are blessed to have Corey and everything we did before was worth it. This time around I want to help my chances but don't want to put pressure on our marriage and our bank account. In three months, I will see my doctor again and then we will make the next decision.

Now that we are on the same page I have a good feeling about this.

Yesterday I went out and bought some loose shirts for work. I am dreading the hot flashes again. I did buy a pair of pants but will take them back because I know the Clomid will add some weight, I just hope I can keep most of it off.

Doctor's should listen to Mother's!!! We know our children.

2005-02-16T19:40:00.000-08:00

It's been a year and a half since I first noticed Corey getting sinus infections. Everytime I took him to a pediatrician they would tell me he is too little to have sinuses. I even mentioned it to the ENT who put Corey's tubes in and he said he's too small will revisit the issue. OK!! I mentioned it again in January when we had the check up with the ENT. He noticed there was some swelling and order a CAT done. We had the scan done a Monday and the doctor called with the results on that Friday. He mumbled something about damage to the membranes and surgery. OMG, I knew they should have listened to me!! He said we should see a Pediatric Allergist to try to control it with meds before thinking about surgery. Thank God!!

We met with the Pediatric Allergist today, it was really interesting and God Bless my son for being an angel for me today. I was really nervous because his daycare said he was a terror this morning. Get this the doctor gave Corey a sucker to open his mouth and he put the wrapper on the chair. Corey look at the doc and said "trash" got up and put that wrapper in the trash can. LOL

All the nurses and doctor were wonderful, you could tell they loved kids. He talked to me a little and then went to check out the CAT scan I brought. About a minute later he came in and said "let me show you I need to explain this". OHHH doesn't sound good. He explained the CAT scan and all I can say is WOW, how the hell has my child been able to breathe.

There should be all these black spaces in his sinuses and all you could see on Corey's was tiny dots barely any black. The doctor looked at me and said "now I know why you are here".

They are putting him on a new antibiotic for 25 days. He will also take Singular 1x a day, a nasal spray (can't remember the name) 2x a day and a tablet called Achoo 2x a day if he shows any symptoms. WOW!!! My jaw just hit the floor. They aren't going to do skin tests right now, they said they want to get the swelling down and the passage unblocked first because of his age. They have no doubt that he has allergies, the damage says alot.

The one good thing is starting next week we are having a cleaning lady come 2x a month. I don;t have the time or enegry to scrub and with this help we can keep the dust, mold, etc out and that will make a HUGE difference with Corey. We are going to try ANYTHING and if that means we need to get a cleaning lady, then so be it. LOL

2005-02-15T20:49:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day from the joy of my life.

What Valentine's Day???

2005-02-14T23:18:00.000-08:00

Is this really suppose to be the most romantic day of the year? I am pretty sure cupid missed my house this year.

Last night I figured I would give Kevin an early Valentine's and do anything in power to divert his attention away from his computer games. He was very surprised and extremely happy afterwards.

This morning Kevin and Corey surprised me with wonderful Valentines. A beautiful glass rose and a box of candy. I was so happy this morning that I decided to play hooky and stay home from work. I knew Kevin had the day off and Corey would be at daycare. I saw this as an opportunity to continue our fun from the night before. It didn't seem to work out that way. Kevin was more than annoyed that I invaded on his day alone. I rescheduled my Wed dentist appointment to today since I wasn't wanted around. When I returned I tried again and nothing. I asked if he wanted to go to Kirklands (a home store) he said "yes" I was very much surprised. We got in the car and started driving and he threw a hissy fit wondering why we were going to the wrong way. This is the way to "Kirklands" and he said no "Copelands". Ughh, because he wasn't listening he thought I was taking him to the sporting goods store to exchange the bat I gave him for Valentine's Day. Lets just say it wasn't a fun ride.

Kevin had a softball game tonight and the plan was for us all to go and support daddy. That was fine with me, I love watching him play. I was hard though seeing all the guys that didn't show up because it was Valentines Day and the other guys kept talking about the time because they needed to rush home to their chicks. Shoot Kevin's boss even blurted out "What is the hold up, I need to be home fucking my wife". He turned 4 shades of red when he realized I had heard. My husband was the only one not saying anything, maybe it was because I was there with Corey.

We got home about 8:30 and after many trying tantrums Corey finally got his pjs on and went to bed. I went in and took a bath, came back and checked my email with just a towel on, and after about 25 min I gave up and went to watch tv in bed. Kevin came in and asked if I wanted something to drink. He brought me back a soda and made a comment about how little I was wearing to bed. 10 minutes later he came to bed and within 5 minutes he was snoring.

This usually doesn't bother me, but tonight it really does, maybe because its Valentines, I really don't know. Last night was all about him and I was praying I would maybe get that too. I vowed for better or for worse, but I don't know how much more I can take. How can one person make you feel so undesirable?

Date night!

2005-02-12T09:36:00.000-08:00

Last night was our date night to celebrate Valentine's Day. My MIL was suppose to watch Corey but bailed on the last minute. Thank God Deana Corey's daycare woman offered to watch him overnight and in trade Kevin was going to come over a fix some stuff when we pick Corey up.

The night started out great. We both came home, relaxed and got ready to go out. Kevin surprised with a diamond necklace. Its beautiful but not sound ungrateful I was bummed that it was silver. I would think that after 12 years he would notice that I only wear gold because I don't like silver. It is so beautiful though. He said he understood, but I don't know, he promised it would ruin our night.

We went to the Melting Pot and it was nice. It was good for us to try something new. There was so much food. The were some spots where our night was turning ugly but we both tried to stop it. The whole dinner took 2 1/2 hours and at point my stomach started to feel yucky which is no surprise because I have been having issues again. I had forgotten my medicine in the car and had asked him to go get it and he refused, then said in a min, then purposly forgot about it. I didn't want to ruin out night, so I brushed it off and trid to forget about it.

He wasn't sure he wanted to go out after dinner like we had planned because he was pretty much falling asleep at dinner. I really wanted to, since I never get to go out, so we went to the SunCoast Casino. I am a slot chick and the first thing he wanted to do was go to the BlackJack table. Ughh I didn't want to argue so I sat there and tried to play. I had way to much to drink and it was hard for me to count, plus I really don't understand that game. AFter an hour we had lost that money and I wanted to play some slots before we left. He just sat there falling asleep while I played.

Heading out to the car it was pouring rain, Kevin was nice to ask me if I needed his coat. I could not believe it but i was hungry again. HAHA I really wanted a brownie sundae from Applebee's. I gave him the cell and asked if he would call and see if they are open. Then all hell broke loose. He got so pissed that I asked him to call while he was driving. Ater that the barrier gates of emotions just let out.

By the time we got home, he had had enough. We put our pjs on and went to sleep. So much for ending my dryspell. If this is all we have at 12 years I am afraid to find out what happens in the next 12 years. It seems no matter how hard we try, it never works out. Are we both destined to be unhappy for teh rest of our lives?

A night to myself!!!!

2005-02-09T21:37:00.000-08:00

It is a miracle. AFter work I had plans to pick Corey up from daycare and then runn some errands I need to get done and bring home fastfood. To my surprise, Kevin called me 15 minutes before I was out of work and let me know he would be there to pick me up at 4:30pm.

He had already picked Corey up from daycare. We went to the fish store to pick out gravel, since I am being picky and then got In N Out Burger. After that he said he would take Corey home and I could go out and run errands by myself. What a god send.

I have been on a mission to find an outfit for out Valentine's dinner this Friday but haven't had any luck. After 4 stores, I decided I didn't want to go to a nice dinner. I bought a new shirt to go with my jeans and we are going somewhere casual and fun.

On my way home I decided to stop and the tanning salon and sign up for a months membership. I can not express how good it felt to lie there for 20 minutes with no one to bother me and I had think about nothing. Eventhough I have some pretty red butt cheeks, I am a much more relaxed mommy right now.

"THE TALK"

2005-02-09T14:49:00.000-08:00

Like clockwork, every few months I bring up the subject to Kevin and then we have “THE TALK”. Next week is my doctor appointment and it is my chance to talk to her about my options and what steps I need to take medically to have another child. I was hoping that Kevin would have changed his mind by now but that doesn’t seem to have happened.

Once again he refuses to see how much I want to have another child. He believes that if God wants us to have more children he will let us conceive without help. At this point I don’t have faith that God will let this happen. I wonder why if he does want us to have more children why would he break my heart every month. That is what Kevin doesn’t understand, he doesn’t go through the heartache every month, I DO.

I was hoping “The Talk” would have taken a different direction but like always I will TRY, TRY, TRY again. I must like torture because that’s what it feels like.

My First Post

2005-02-08T20:15:00.000-08:00

I have started this Blog because being a fulltime mommy, wife and career woman, I rarely have time to gather my thoughts. Praying that this journel will be a stress reliever, Lord knows I need it.